Selfish Juvia
by smilingsky
Summary: When loving someone but they don't want your love, it's selfish to continue loving. When hiding your true feelings instead of portraying them, it's selfish to hide from her comrades. Maybe that's why, Juvia is selfish. Selfish, Selfish Juvia. (Rated T for mild swearing and a bit of blood mention)


***Mild Cursing**

 ***I don't own the picture for the book cover, please PM if it belongs to you and would like to have it taken down!**

Some people have called Juvia crazy. A stalker. A desperate woman. Lots of name calling, including the word wanton was used. For a good few years, maybe around five years, not counting the seven-year gap.

 _It's probably the reason why Juvia is now sitting at the bar, watching Gray-sama on a date with his new girlfriend, Rose._ They've been going out for a week, four days, fifty minutes and thirty– thirty-one seconds. The same amount of time I fell apart.

 _Rose, she's not a mage and she's everything Juvia isn't._

Unlike my long wavy azure hair, hers is short, straight and red, a darker shade than Erza's. Unlike my cat-like blue eyes like Lucy had told me before, Rose has softer puppy-like brown eyes. Unlike my ugly body, hers is the perfect hourglass. Lucy told me that was nonsense, but I think I know better. I'm aware that my hips are too wide, maybe my chest is too big as well.

And unlike my usual long sleeved or dresses that reached up past the knees, she wore white shorts and crop tops—even though she showed more skin than I do—the tops are normally long enough to cover her stomach unless she lifts her arms—and sandals too! A complete difference compared to my long brown boots. Of course, my hats. I love hats and Rose doesn't. Not even the new beanies I tried out that Lucy and Levy said were cute.

 _But Juvia changed!_ Yes, long dresses that reached the ground but I opted for sleeveless dress, like the dark blue one I'm wearing now. I still wore boots but the boots were ankle boots.

A sigh left my lips.

 _Yet, Juvia knows._ Despite the fact that I want to hate her, I can't. No matter how much I change my looks, it wouldn't happen. Gray wouldn't look at me the way he looks at Rose. Rose is a sweet girl, unlike _Juvia_. She had been nothing but nice to everyone, including me. We even went shopping with the group of girls the day before, excluding Levy. But if I were to say I don't dislike her entirely, it would be a lie.

"Juvia, do you want more red wine?" Mira asked, a small empathetic smile on her face as she held the bottle in her hand with a white cloth under the bottom of it. I nodded gratefully, pushing my empty wine glass towards her as I turned away from the couple to face her entirely.

I started drinking when I got in the guild but never really touched alcohol unless it was for a celebration or Erza forcing us to do so. But for the past few days, it has been a celebration for everyone but Juvia.

"You'll find someone better, Juvia," Mira said to me as she cleaned a glass. I can see the small bump beginning to show beneath her dress, she and Freed got married last year. And they were expecting a baby. Everyone in the guild was shocked when they announced that they're dating, considering how Freed always hung around Laxus, you would think he'll go after that big guy.

I merely smiled at her before sipping on my wine. Getting Juvia's mind intoxicated helps her stop thinking.

"Hey, Ameonna!" I grinned slightly, I knew that voice and nickname.

I turned around with my wine glass in hand, "Gajeel-Kun," I smiled at him. He is returning from a Mission with Shadow Gear. Droy and Jet headed to their tables while Levy went upstairs to report. Gajeel-kun's hair is much shorter now, reaching his shoulders and tied in a low ponytail. Levy managed to convince him to do so when she decided his unruly hair needed some kind of attention.

"You're drinking alcohol at noon? That's not like you," he frowned at me, raising a studded brow in my direction.

 _That's right, something Juvia didn't want to explain._ After Gajeel-Kun left for his Mission, Gray-sama announced everything, and Gajeel is back now.

"Things happened." I told him, finishing my red wine, enjoying the sourness yet subtle bitterness lingering on my tongue, combined with the aftertaste of the sweet flavour of aged grapes. Gajeel frowned at me, about to ask more when Natsu came over to pick a fight with him.

"Yo, Iron Face, wanna go?"

"Oh don't regret when I beat your ass, Flame Breath!"

I chuckled slightly at the childish insults they used, Iron Face and Flame Breath, exchanging punches until Erza slammed their heads against each other.

We may grow older but the minds of these men remain the same old immature dragon slayers of Fairy Tail.

Then, Juvia's traitor heart begins beating again when she sees Gray-sama. He runs a hand through his hair while talking to Rose with a silly grin. He stopped his brawls after dating Rose. Even his stripping habits gotten less frequent. I looked away when I saw he was about to look up in my direction, choosing to focus my eyes on the remnants of my drink.

A sigh escaped.

 _Juvia wonders._

I tipped the wine glass, finishing the last drop of it before thanking Mira and leaving the guild.

 _Juvia needs fresh air._

—

The sound of the river moving soothes Juvia, being near Juvia's element is one of the things Juvia loves. Maybe not the rain but water in general.

I watched the currents, enjoying the quiet surroundings of the park that was empty of people.

"What are you doing here alone, Juvia-Chan?" A familiar voice said. I turned to see a man with hair in the colour of light blue, almost white. "Lyon-san," I smiled as he moved closer to me and settled next to me on the grass patch where I was sitting.

"How are you?" He asked.

"Juvia feels fine, what about you, Lyon-san? How was that Mission you've been on recently?" I asked, hoping to divert any conversation that'll be about Gray.

He breathes out loudly, "It was tiring. Vulcans were swarming the area like moths to a fire, but I was the fire, you know?" He winked playfully, earning a laugh from Juvia. There was a short moment of silence before he spoke again. "I heard about Gray."

 _Oh there it is._

He didn't speak again, I assume he's waiting for my answer for his silent question.

"Gray-sama– Juvia means, Gray-san, seems happy with Rose-san, Juvia thinks that's great," I told him nonchalantly, forcing a small smile to stay on my lips as I spoke to him.

Lyon shakes his head, "What about you, Juvia?"

I frowned, not understanding what he meant.

He looked at me in the eyes, "How do you feel about it?" I could almost see the familiar pained look in his eyes, _Juvia knows the reason why._

I could only smiled before looking at the grass patch in front of me, a hand running up the exposed skin of my arm.

"Juvia wishes she could feel the same without that much pain."I turned back to face him, "Juvia wishes she doesn't have to be selfish to love someone."

—

I watch as the mailman brings in the new batch of request flyers. Mirajane accepts them from the man with a grateful smile before starting to put them up on the board. The guild was filled as usual, members waiting for jobs to be placed up, I've came early to see if there were new requests I could do. After all, I could really benefit if I could get away from everything.

"Juvia."

I turned around to see Gajeel approaching me from the table where Levy, Lucy and Natsu were. The two girls caught my eyes and both sent smiles in my way. I returned the gesture and faced Gajeel, ignoring the fact that I've noticed that Gray wasn't here yet.

"Hi, Gajeel-Kun,"

"I heard, er, I heard–," he rubbed his neck, hesitating to say whatever he was going to. Well, he didn't have to, Juvia knows.

 _How could Juvia not know?_ I've been thrown the same questions for the past one week. It's always the same topic, the first thing people say when they see me, the girl who pined crazily over Gray, nowadays.

"Juvia's fine, Gajeel-kun, I supposed Levy-san told you to ask me that. You two must've been alone together the whole of yesterday after you came back," I grinned, wiggling my brows at he mentioned of his girlfriend. He rolled his eyes and nodded but I could see the corners of his lips lifting slightly.

"Whatever. She told me to go on a Mission with you and all that girly stuff." He grunted and went to find a job request, mumbling something under his breath.

I chuckled. _Juvia wonders how a small girl like Levy could have a man like Gajeel wrapped around her finger._

Before Gajeel could choose a Mission, Master Makarov came down the stairs, gaining attention from the guild members. "Can I have Team Natsu..."

I turned behind and sure enough, Gray was there, without Rose today. A sense of relief ran through Juvia.

We accidentally met eyes and he was the first to look away. I thought my heart would hurt even more but I guess when something's in bits and pieces, it can't really be broken anymore.

"...and Juvia to come to my office," I turned to the Master, wide-eyed but he only nodded and nudged his head upstairs where Gajeel and Levy were already heading with Natsu coming up behind them. Happy. Wendy and Charle weren't here as they're on a small Mission on their own.

Realising I'm the last to go up, I quickly followed behind Lucy as she walked in front. She turned and gave me a smile, "Wonder what it's about,"

I nodded in agreement, fixing the blue beret I was wearing with my strapless navy blue dress.

We were the last two to get in the office, I closed the door behind us before standing next to Gajeel at the side.

"There's a Mission I need you kids to do," Makarov begins without hesitation, a grim look on his face. "Laxus and Raijinshuu is on another Mission, so I have no choice but to gather you kids,"

"What is it Gramps?" Natsu asked, "Whatever it is, we're ready for it!" He grinned, earning a nudge from Lucy.

"Tell us Master, what is this Mission?" Erza spoke.

Makarov shook his head, "A dark guild has emerged in Northern Fiore, there's only three members yet they've managed to defeat the small guild in that area. The villages there have called for our help desperately, and you brats are to go there as soon as possible."

"Yes Master." The whole group of us said in unison.

He then took out a scroll and handed it to Erza, "Erza, you'll be the leader and guide everyone. I expect all of you to return and the area kept in one piece." Master sent a pointed look to the guys, earning sheepish looks from all of them.

"Ay Sir!"

—  
Knocks on the door could be heard as I pulled my fluffy blue hat over, "Juvia, are you ready to go?" Lucy's voice travelled through the wooden door. I had decided to change into my old long-sleeved dress, feeling more relaxed upon wearing it. It felt nice to be covered up once again.

I picked up the duffel bag I've filled with a few sets of clean clothes and necessary toiletries, "Coming!"

To be honest, I feel some sort of glee that I'm going on a mission with Gray yet there was still a huge part of me that wanted to avoid going on this mission with him. If not for Master's request, maybe I would've asked to be excluded from this mission.

Gajeel and Levy were already there while Natsu was already feeling sick with Happy flying above his head with a huge smile on his face.

Gray was sitting shirtless next to them, not looking up when we got there.

"Is everyone here?" Erza asked, turning to do a quick headcount.

Lucy nodded, "Yep. Let's get going."

—  
The train ride was quiet other than Natsu and Gajeel's painful groans of motion sickness. I couldn't sleep, as I hadn't been able to easily for the past week. I left my seat to go to the washroom, when I noticed someone walking behind me.

My eyes widened, "G-Gray-sama-" I shook my head slightly, "Gray-san."

He stared at me blankly, "Where are you going? It's late, Erza wouldn't be happy if she found one of the team missing."

I was about to answer when I stumbled and lost my footing when the train jerked slightly when turning. I braved myself for the impact from falling but it never came when I felt two strong arms holding onto me.

Looking up, I saw those dark eyes I yearned to see up close in the past, but instead of enjoying the moment, I pulled away. It was like Gray was fire that would hurt Juvia.

"Thank you," I mumbled, turning to leave when he stopped me.

"We- We should talk." He stuttered but still serious.

"If it's about you dating Rose-san, Juvia thinks she's a really nice girl and Gray-san seems really happy with her," I rambled, holding onto the wall for support, "Juvia needs the washroom, Gray-san should head back to his seat. Just let Erza know if she awakens." I said quickly and disappeared into the next carriage, leaning against the door after closing it.

 _Juvia doesn't think going on a Mission with Gray is such a good idea anymore._

—  
We reached the station in the morning and got to the small village where we were told to report to.

Erza knocked on the door of the cottage near the entrance which was supposedly the Village Chief's place.

I wasn't paying attention to whatever they were saying to be honest. _Juvia wished she never came._

Why?

Somehow, Rose was here too and she was clinging onto Gray. I tried to tune out their conversation but all I could hear was him chiding her for following us here and her saying how much she missed him already.

"—Alright. We'll split into groups. Gajeel, Gray, Levy and Juvia. You guys will go up to the mountains while the rest of us head to the other side." Erza announced.

Is it just me or is everyone bent on having us in a group together to torture Juvia?

"Come on, Shorty," I heard Gajeel call Levy who gave me an empathetic look.

I offered her a smile instead. It's what Juvia can only do nowadays, offer fake smiles to tell them she's okay.

 _'Juvia is fine.'_

 _'Juvia is okay.'_

 _'Juvia is everything people want her to feel.'_

 _But it's not what Juvia truly feels inside. Juvia wants to be selfish and keep her true feelings to herself. She was selfish when she poured all her feelings to everyone._ I chuckled bitterly in my head, _when is Juvia ever selfless?_

"—Hey, are you even listening Ameonna?" Gajeel snapped his finger in front of my face. I glared at him and tried to bite his finger off. "I guess you were." He shrugged, completely oblivious to the dark thoughts that were swimming in my head. Thoughts of insecurity. Self-hatred. Dark dark thoughts.

Gray said his goodbyes to Rose, telling her to go back to the hotel we were staying at to wait for him instead. They parted with a kiss and I looked away, choosing to walk ahead of Gajeel and Levy.

I felt someone wrapped their arm around mine and I turned to see Levy who was grinning at me, "Let's walk together, Ju-chan!"

She pulled us ahead of the guys, only stopping when we're at least 10 feet away from them. We walked for about a few minutes quietly until she decides to speak.

"So, erm, Juvia–,"

I stopped her from continuing her question, "Levy-san,"

She blinks at me, "Y-yes."

"Are you going to ask if Juvia is alright?" I asked with a hint of exasperation leaking through my voice.

She nods guiltily.

I shook my head, sighing audibly, "Juvia feels fine. She wishes everyone would stop asking."

She stops me from walking, holding the sides of my arms, "Tell me honestly, Ju-chan, don't just say what you've been telling Lu-chan and the rest. You know Gajeel sees you as a little Sister and I see you like my own Sister," she blushed at the end and I knew what she meant. These two are getting married in a few months time.

I turned my head to see the Gajeel walking with a scowl next to Gray who seemed really uncomfortable. I turned back to face Levy, sighing once again, "Juvia–" I was cut off by shouts from Gajeel.

"LOOK OUT YOU TWO!"

We looked up and saw what seemed like a giant bird flying above us, breathing out fire while next to it was a female with beautiful Long brown hair, floating in the air.

A ball of fire was thrown at us and we immediately dived apart, I fell onto the ground with impact, landing without a scratch when I managed to switch the form of my arms.

"Well, well, look who we have here, four little fairies from Fairy Tail," the female said, stepping onto the ground in her red dress that reached her knees, the gigantic bird landing harshly behind her, causing the ground to shake slightly.

"Are you two alright?" I heard Gray asked, footsteps running towards us. He helped me up to which I thanked him quietly.

Ignoring him, the female continued to talk and I could see a man behind the bird, seemingly to have been controlling it the whole time. "I'm Jasmine, and this is Flame and his companion, Fire. Nice to meet you, Fairies,"

Gajeel growled, picking up Levy who was holding onto her scraped arm, "Cut the crap, you two are the ones causing trouble aren't you? We heard there's three of you, where's the other?"

Jasmine chuckled and I noticed the flowers stuck in her hair. "You mean our Master, Quinn? I don't know, maybe he's picking up the bodies of dead fairies down there." She smirked, pointing her thumb to the area where Erza, Lucy and Natsu were.

"You wish!" Gray spat. "Mages from Fairy Tail won't be defeated by dark guilds!"

Flame, who was quiet the whole time, scoffed and his companion let out a cackle. It was weird to see a bird laugh.

"We'll see about that, shall we?" Jasmine grinned and waved her hand in the air. Flowers, the size of that fire-breathing bird, began to rise from the ground, the stalks grabbing our legs.

"Hey!" Gajeel shouted.

I switched to my water body form, throwing myself to an empty spot.

"Oh! That's a cool move! But you should know, my flowers love water just like birds love eating fairies!" She giggled hysterically as though it was that funny.

I ignored her.

"Water Slicer!" I sent them to the green twines, releasing my team.

"Nice one, Juvia!" He turned to Gray and Levy, "We'll take this flower woman, you two take the ugly ass bird!" Gajeel ran over to me. Seeing Jasmine about to launch another attack, we held our ground with our hands positioning to do the same. "Ready to kick-ass Phantom style, Ameonna?"

I nodded and instead of running away from the crazy flower girl, we charged towards her.

"Iron Dragon Roar!"

"Water Nebula!"

—  
I huffed, trying to catch my breath as I sat on the ground. My powers were almost gone, barely there. I've been solely the one fighting her halfway into the fight when Levy got injured and I told Gajeel to help her and fight with Gray instead.

Gajeel had gone to help fight Flame and Fire who were much stronger than we anticipated, barely a scratch on the man and his laughing bird.

Considering the situation where Jasmine was also in the same state, her so-called 'Flower Power' was out of battery and on the ground.

"Why do you fairies try so hard? Don't underestimate Flame and Fire." She snickered. "Stupid Ice Mage playing against fire when it's a losing battle,"

"Gray-sama won't be defeated by fire!" I said before I could even control my tongue from doing so. My eyes widened.

 _Old habits die hard._

Her face contoured into an evil smile within seconds. "Gray-sama, was it? Your lover? I thought it was the iron-faced dude," she said casually as though we were best friends talking about the weather.

"None of your business." I said coldly, taking this opportunity to send a water ball in her face.

She sneered at me, "Bitch."

I rolled my eyes, "Juvia's not here to chit chat." I told her, getting up from the ground when a vine from the trees grabbed me by the neck.

I switched back into my water body form, not sure if I was going to able to maintain it for long.

"Juvia doesn't get hurt by physical attacks, don't you understand?" I smirked, feigning superiority. I needed her to stop attacking me for awhile so I can regain some power back. There wasn't any water banks near here that I could use, which was bad news.

Jasmine grins, "Of course. But your so-called comrades will." She turned to Levy who was lying on the ground, unconscious, "Maybe her?"

I jumped in front of her, still in my water form, "Don't even think about it." I hissed.

She laughed, "Ah. True, it's no fun if they're already unconscious."

Her expression turned grim and I noticed the green of her plant magic turned dark purple, "I didn't want to pull this out on a small water mage like you, but," she paused. Her eyes flickered to the side where the others were fighting. "If I'm going down, you fairy lover is going down with me." By what she meant, it means this was the last of her powers and so was mine.

"Water Cane!" I whipped the long stream of water at her, she jumped and dodged. She may be running low in magic, but I'm not left with much, not more than her anyways.

 _Death_.

My eyes widened at that thought.

 _Either I use the last of my powers and risk the life of Gray with 40-60 chance of defeating Jasmine—_ I looked at them, seeing Gray hold a hand over his bleeding arm and other injuries, Gajeel didn't look any better— _Or-_

"Poison Ivy!"

I didn't hesitate to move.

 _Don't be scared Juvia._

Running as fast I could, I threw myself into the air towards where she had aimed.

 _Please forgive me everyone. Gajeel-Kun. Gray-Sama. Let Juvia be selfish once more._

I formed Water Geysers and shot them towards her, the same time the sharp edge of the Poison Ivy slashed my abdomen. The world became silent all of a sudden. All I could feel was the searing pain of torn skin, the poison spreading in my bloodstream. Mavis, it hurts. It hurts so much. The second wave of pain came when I fell onto the ground, barely able to stay on my knees. Blood gush out of my body as the Poison Ivy disintegrated away, Jasmine unconscious on the ground after being hit.

"JUVIAAAA!" _Is that Gray-Sama?_

"JUVIA!" _Gajeel-Kun._

I wanted to turn to see them, see Levy, but I couldn't move. Everything felt numb. Before they even got to me, my knees couldn't hold on much longer and I was a pathetic pile on the ground. It felt reliving when it got so numb that I couldn't feel the pain anymore.

I didn't realise someone had grabbed onto me until I was turned to face the sky. Ah, the bright sky I yearned to see in the past.

"Juvia! Stay with me!" My blurred vision focused for a moment to see the ice cold man I've loved so much and I still love. He still looks amazing with his shirt off and with injuries, that scar that was there above his eyebrow, everything about him is perfect.

I forced my lips to smile despite the numbness that was overtaking my whole body, "You're okay." I breathed out, finding it hard to breathe. Maybe it was my state of blur but I saw tears in his eyes. I could see him hold a hand over the open wound.

 _Please, just a moment's more. Mavis, let me say my goodbyes._

"We'll take her back, put her on my back!" Gajeel turned and Gray helped put me on Gajeel's back. "Don't die on me, Rain Woman!" He warned, but I could hear his voice shaking.

"Gajeel-kun. Juvia–," something choked up at the back of my throat, I tasted something metallic before the red liquid that poured out of my abdomen, came out of my mouth onto Gajeel's shoulder.

"Don't speak, dumbass! We'll get help–,"

"–Juvia really appreciates you being her best friend," I heaved slightly, my voice getting raspier by the second. He tried to move a step forward but I stopped him, "Don't move."

"What? What's wrong? Gajeel! We have to get help!" Gray rushed him.

"No. Put Juvia down." I said in a raspy voice. My eyelids were getting heavy.

"Are you crazy?" Gajeel shouted in frustration.

"Levy-san. Juvia won't leave." Was all I could managed.

He didn't say anything.

I looked at Gray, "Gray-Sama." I wanted to speak louder but I couldn't. I forced my eyes to look at him.

"Stripper, she wants to talk to you," Gajeel said, I was close enough to hear the tremble in his voice, the iron dragon slayer was crying. If I wasn't on my way to death, I would laugh at him then cry along with him.

Gray came closer, worry in his eyes "Come on, Juvia. We have to go and seek help, just hold on-,"

"Juvia really loves you." I tried to smile again but I knew I couldn't, "She," I paused for air, vision beginning to blur. "I love you." My confession came out as a whisper but I hoped he heard it because the next thing I knew, the world had gone black.


End file.
